"This is just so crazy," I uttered, over and over for the next hour.
It's been almost 4 hours since I received the news, and it's no less shocking. As I sat there, trying to absorb the news, I thought about the night, just a few weeks ago, when Ben joined me and another friend for dinner. And then my mind wandered to last week, when I chatted with him online, inviting him out to a local bar for happy hour the following day. I am still having the hardest time thinking that that same person is no longer with us.
Ben was one of the nicest and most polite people I've ever met. With a smile on his face, he always greeted me with a, "Hey, Madi, how's it going?" every time we saw each other. In fact, I don't think I'd ever seen him not smiling. His gentle and quiet nature really had a way of putting people at ease; and I was a bit surprised to find that he had a great sense of humor, when he opened up. I'd only just gotten to know him past our working interactions, and as another co-worker said tonight, I think my greatest sadness in all of this is that I will not be able to be friends with him and get to know him further.
The last few weeks have found me in a decent amount of inner turmoil. I've found myself struggling with an ongoing process of self-identification, attempting to define myself and that which makes me content. This emotional churning culminated in a lengthy venting session via text message to a friend, who offered me some advice: live in the present. This adage has survived centuries, and I'd heard it before, but it hit me for some reason that night. The next day, I found out a good friend needs to have an ultrasound for a medical issue - to rule things out, but still a little bit of a scare nonetheless. And now, this.
It really puts things into perspective for me. I realized tonight how easy it is to get caught up in the minute details of life, and forget to actually live. I realized how petty the complaints I've voiced over the last few days have truly been. And I thought about the legacy that we are all given the opportunity to leave when we move on.
I remember watching the movie Dead Poets' Society when I was in 8th grade, and really being struck by the phrase that became a cornerstone of the movie's premise: Carpe Diem. Never have I truly felt its fundamental nature and intent until tonight. Though sometimes tedious and tumultuous, life is such a real blessing. Every moment should be valued and appreciated...and lived. We never are guaranteed our next breath, so we should enjoy the present to its fullest extent.
It's amazing to me how little impact words like that have had on me in the past. And yet, after recent events, I can't help but feel, to the core, its fundamental message. Though I've only known him a short time, Ben has unknowingly inspired me to be the driving force behind the change I've been longing to and struggled to make in my life. The value of this thought alone I cannot even articulate in words, especially given the struggles I've had with defining and acting upon my thoughts and ideas in the recent past. So, thank you could not even begin to express the gratitude and appreciation I wish I could articulate to him in this very moment.
Rest in peace, Ben - whether you can realize it now or not, you've made a really huge impact on my life, and I thank you for it. You will be missed dearly.
