(False) Sense of Confidence

At dinner tonight with an old high school friend, I brought up the topic of the consulting industry and its appeal to many of our friends. My friend is in charge of the marketing aspect of her clients’ projects, so she’s quite familiar with helping her clients market their products and services. She expressed interest and a desire to eventually be a part of a consulting company herself, and as we discussed I began wondering:

What exactly is the appeal of this particular industry to so many, specifically so many of my generational peers?

During the last semester of college, I, too, was drawn by the challenging work environment that consulting offered (specifically, strategic management consulting). I applied and interviewed with a number of firms and ultimately decided that the world of strategic management consulting wasn’t completely suited for me. I have no regrets in that decision, as I’ve held fast to the rationale I gave at the time: the industry is cutthroat and perhaps a little too fast-paced for me.

After dinner, I really got to thinking about how so many of my friends in my generation have expressed interest in pursuing a career in consulting. I mentioned this to another friend, who responded with, “Maybe no one wants to actually solve their own problems.”

“So, does that mean we, as a generation, have been lulled into a false sense of security and confidence that we can actually solve other people’s problems?” I asked.

His response: “Maybe it’s about finding something meaningful. Maybe the idea of solving other people’s problems is more meaningful to our generation.”

Curiosity got the better of me, and I mulled this quick dialogue that I’d just had.

What values are we instilled with as a generation? The desire to contribute and meaningfully in all we do has popped up in many generational attributes and characteristics lists. We’ve grown up being told we can solve the world’s problems, that it’s our duty – and why shouldn’t we believe it? We’re at the forefront of technological and societal development. We’re at a pivotal juncture in leveraging all of the resources available to us and creating solutions for some of the most pressing issues of our times. Our intrinsic value systems have effectively guaranteed that we feel some sense of responsibility, collectively as a generation, to use our talents, skills, and resources to meaningfully contribute to society.

However, this very notion, I believe, leads us into a second layer of this discussion.

At what expense have we been instilled with these values? This very question lends itself to identifying the factors that have contributed to our upbringings. We’ve been told from day one that we can achieve anything we set our minds to. If we have the talent, we can use any number of resources to achieve our goals and become successful. Our educational system is designed to enable this to prove true: we work hard, focus, and earn grades that reflect our understanding of topics and concepts. Many of our parents rewarded us for attaining our goals, and continually reminded us that we were capable of anything we set our minds to. So, when we received those awards at school, or the allowance or new toy from our parents, we gained a sense of self-confidence that translated to other aspects of our lives. As the list of achievements grew, so did the level of self-confidence…to the point where we now have a sense of self-confidence and assurance that we can combat any challenge that comes our way, solve any problem that we face – so much so that it seems many of our generation are actually interested in making problem solving for others their career.

But, what keeps us from wanting and trying to solve our own problems?

As I’ve talked to many of my friends, I’ve realized how many of us are struggling to make sense of our lives and understand what we want out of it. It’s interesting that although we are given the support and encouragement from a very young age to pursue our ambitions, many of us come face-to-face with the realization that the limitless options available to us perhaps impede the progress we desire to make in “figuring our lives out.” How is it that we find curiosity and interest in helping others’ solve their problems, and yet we (especially those of us who hit this rough patch in our twenties) find it difficult to logically approach our own personal predicaments? Moreover, if we can’t solve our own problems, how can we possibly help others’ solve theirs, regardless of whether they are personal or professional in nature? For that matter, does it make a difference if they are personal or professional in nature – are these mutually exclusive in this discussion? As these questions sprung to mind, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps the positive reinforcement we’ve received at a young age is actually counterproductive in the long run. I couldn’t help but think that perhaps we have inadvertently developed a false sense of self-confidence in our abilities and potential.

So, my question is: what are the implications of this, if it’s true? Is this false sense of confidence actually dangerous? Moreover, what factors have contributed to this in our development – societal, educational, parental?

A Bittersweet Farewell

As I write the following, one would find me sitting at the airport in a city and country that have given me a great deal in so little time.  In the past two weeks, I have not only explored the recesses of two magnificently beautiful cities, but I’ve also been fortunate enough to glimpse inner recesses of my own being, with a perspective I could not have imagined or planned for (nor did I).  When I was informed of the duration of my stay here, I will admit to some initial reservations.  Of course, I do not fault myself for this minor ignorance, as I believe drifting outside one’s comfort zone always produces such reactions.  However, in hindsight, I am convinced that my stay would not have been remotely as exhilarating and inspiring had I not had the opportunity to explore the locations and experience the sights and sounds of the locales.  The following is thus a brief account of my stay in one of the most charming and culturally rich cities I have visited: Montreal (with a brief foray to account for my travels to neighboring Quebec City, as well).

I arrived here on a Sunday evening, and after gathering my luggage and vehicle for the duration of my stay, I set off for my hotel.  Upon arriving, I checked in, ascended to the twelfth floor, and turned the handle, as the key card unlocked the door.  The room was pleasant, but more astounding was the view from the half-circle window, which spanned across one entire wall.  As I stood in the middle of this wall, I was mesmerized by the juxtaposed sight before me: ahead of me, I saw Mont Royal rise above the towering high-rise buildings; to my left was a quaint church, whose exterior radiated a charming, old-world feel; and to my right lay the most spectacular sight I have seen in some time (though, I will provide you a brief preview of accounts to come by saying there were several subsequent locations that provided rivaling views) – the Cathedrale de Marie Reine-du-Monde.  With its circular steeples and stunning architecture, I could only gaze in sheer amazement at its elegance and beauty.  Taking particular note of the serenity of my surroundings, I settled in for the night and prepared for the week of training that lay before me. 

The following week continued to provide me with a sense of personal wonder.  I say this in order to encompass many of the thoughts that whirled through my head in the subsequent days.  Having already been in Montreal for a two-week period earlier in the year, I found myself feeling more settled in the city, which in turn allowed me to better acquaint myself with the beautiful sights and sounds that it had to offer.  The drive to work and back each day, in itself, revived in me a feeling of sheer gratitude and amazement at the position I found myself in each day.  Fine dining and the opportunity to practice my French language skills further added to the delightful experience.

Perhaps the highlight of my entire stay, however, was a brief foray to a neighboring city, about 150 or so odd miles northeast of Montreal, Quebec City.  My desire to visit the city prompted thoughts of my weekend plans even before my departure to our northern neighbor.  Coworkers provided me with brief accounts of their visits, and my decision was finally solidified during the week prior to my trip, after speaking with a native of the city, who provided me with a list of all of the interesting sights to take in. 

Having never taken a solo road-trip in the past, I found myself giddy with excitement as the day approached.  I gathered a few “road-trip-friendly” items early on a Saturday morning and found myself driving northeast by 8a.  After pouring over the numerous printouts that the Quebec City-native I befriended had given me, I decided the night before to travel first to the Montmorency Falls – a beautiful waterfall, just northeast of Quebec City.  After a three-hour drive, I found myself in the parking lot of the Montmorency Falls Park, ready to ascend some thirty odd flights of stairs to arrive at the top of the falls.  The natural beauty was nothing short of spectacular; though, I will admit that traversing the suspension bridge atop it was something short of terrifying!  After satisfying my inner photographer’s quest for the perfect shots, I decided to make my way over the body of water surrounding Quebec City (coincidentally, this is the start of the Atlantic Ocean), towards a small, country island, from where I was able to take in gorgeous views of the Quebec City area. 

With two of the three “must-see-locales” checked off my list, I began the trek to Quebec City.  As I drove through its streets, the city’s architecture and layout exuded a charming, quaint, old-world European vibe; though interestingly juxtaposed with this nostalgic air was the presence of modern stores and eateries.  Arriving at what seemed to be one end of the city, I was welcomed by the towering pillars and castle-like steeples of the Chateau Frontenac, which I learned previously holds the title of the most photographed hotel in the world.  After parking, I ventured through a small, pedestrian walkway, between the cobblestone-like brick sides of two buildings, and began speaking to a man selling cityscape sketches and paintings.  We spoke of my visit to the city, of the artist whose sketches I purchased, and of the title my home has earned (“The Fattest City” – something we are all undoubtedly proud of, I assure you!) – all in French.  It was a brief conversation, but provided me with a sense of pride and accomplishment, as I could visibly see a change in the ease and fluency I possess with the French language.  I continued on, trekking across the city, and down to the waterfront, where I visited a row of antique and souvenir shops.  Eventually, after satisfying my curiosity and adventurous spirit, I decided the time had come to dine and make the drive back towards Montreal.  I found a quaint restaurant, adjacent to the Chateau, where I dined on delicious vegetable soup and an apple-cinnamon crepe.  Satisfied, I strolled back to my car and set off for Montreal.  En route, I recounted the day’s events in my mind and continued on, with a sense too complex and personal to qualify with words.  Suffice it to say, I left Quebec City with a feeling of gratitude for and awe of not only the beauty that surrounded me throughout the day, but also the personal journey I found myself on.  Though the excursion was brief, I traveled on knowing that despite this fact, I was able to sail past my reservations and boundaries, expanding those very limitations I’d previously placed on myself. 

The following day, I visited two churches in Montreal: L’Oratoire de St. Joseph and La Basilique Notre Dame.  The Oratory, which sits atop Mont Royal, provides spectacular views of the Montreal landscapes.  The inner chapel was small, but inviting, drawing images of what I would imagine a European countryside chapel to look.  The Basilica was perhaps the greatest surprise to me, as its modern architecture and simple room décor were quite the stark contrast from the great chapels I’ve seen in the past.  Descending the stairs from the Basilica, to my left I found a Nativity museum, where Nativity scenes from various cultures and regions were arranged together to showcase the very beauty of art and its associated mediums; sculptures of clay, statues of wood, paintings of oil, and figurines of shell, among others, made up the unique displays.  I completed the trip with a visit outside, ascending the Basilica steps, in order to capture fantastic views of the island of Montreal.  Descending the steps of the oratory, thoughts of awe and inspiration spiraled through my mind.  My thoughts rested on the fact that the oratory is a shining example of the power of devotion and passion held by numerous individuals – the very tangible result of the very best in human nature.  I turned and marveled one last time at the beauty of its interior and exterior and ventured across the city towards the Notre Dame Basilica. 

The stone support pillars just outside the front entrance of the Notre Dame Basilica provide the illusion of an invisible barrier, between the relatively harsh city life and the sanctity of the church itself.  Walking through the physical gates, I entered an ornate wooden door, and through to the inner chapel.  What greeted my eyes was nothing short of breathtaking.  Ornate stained glass and intricate wood works were abundant throughout the interior, with a small staircase (with its own elaborate design work) spiraling up the left side to upper levels.  I walked down the center aisle, after snapping several photographs, and gazed in absolute splendor at the sight before me.  A concaved wall of stained glass provided a magnificent backdrop for the altar straight ahead.  Behind me, the largest organ I have ever seen stood perched on the third floor.  After taking a few more photographs, I walked to the back and sat down on a pew.  I reveled in the sheer beauty and was (and still am now, in recounting the experience) rendered speechless: I literally sat transfixed for several moments, unable to capture in words the sheer brilliance of the sight before me.  A short while later, I exited the building, more inspired and amazed at the positive influences of human nature. 

The final week in Montreal passed by as quickly as the first.  I hailed this visit for the numerous “firsts” it provided me: I experienced my first winter snowstorm, my first solitary road trip, and even my very first lonesome dining experience.  What I have gained from the entire experience, I do not believe I could ever properly assign words to, for the faith and focus it has restored to my life cannot truly be qualified in mere words.  I realize these revelations (particularly because I’ve been unable to formulate words to describe them adequately) may not come across as astounding or inspiring as they are felt here in my heart and mind; I hope, however, that through my words and images (which, if you haven’t seen, feel free to ask for), I have been able to convey the very deep meaning this entire journey has had to me.  Though two weeks, in relation to the lifetime one has, seems undeniably short, I’ve realized in that very same amount of time that one is capable of accomplishing more than he or she could ever imagine.  Ultimately, the beauty of human nature, I’ve determined, is the unpredictability that it brings into each of our lives.  Nine months ago, I identified personality traits that begged for attention; six months ago, I realized, though I’d intended to pay particular attention to these points of amelioration, I’d done a seemingly poor job of doing so; three months ago, I came to the conclusion that the detour from the road I’d laid for myself was acceptable; one month ago, I was surprised to see that, although I had veered from the path I’d imagined myself traveling, the one I’d taken ultimately stationed me at the same end point; and now, I sit here knowing that in spite of the six-month detour I eventually found myself having taken, I have grown more than I could have ever imagined.  And it is ultimately with this in mind and heart that I bid Montreal a bittersweet farewell.

Re-Evaluation

It is an interesting experience, revisiting thoughts I've penned in the past, and realizing that they inevitably still hold true today.  In the previous six months, I've traversed an unexpected path that, I admit, has led me a bit astray.  I mean not, in saying this, that I was enticed by sins or committed notable transgressions; instead, I've found myself a bit removed from my initially intended goal of bettering very specific bits and pieces of myself.  This deviation, however, has allowed me to reinforce the notion that all experiences can be deemed learning ones; therefore, I suppose I could argue that not only have I fulfilled this goal of bettering myself, but perhaps even succeeded in ameliorating those aspects I did not even recognize as viable in the past.  In this respect, the 6-month road I've traveled was indeed tangent to the one I'd intended to travel: I've learned valuable lessons regarding several key aspects of life; specifically, however, the ones that have affected me significantly have been those highlighting relationships, human emotion, and the importance of the boundaries that exist in not only defining these relationships, but one could argue, all aspects one's life.  

Inherently, we, as human beings, must be cognizant of the relationships we form, as well as the extent of human emotion and intellect that defines the boundaries that exist in these relationships.  I've found, in the past, this to be a bit of a cloudy area, specifically because I've seen the relationships in my life, as well as the value I place on them, changing significantly over the past several years.  Of course, I note this not as a negative experience; rather, the opposite is true - I've found it to be quite the enlightening journey, tracing from my relative youth, in which I naively sought and categorized relationships, to a turning point (which I define as the moment in time when the realization that I could not create and sustain relationships with every lingering soul in my life set in), to the present, where I consistently struggle to understand and evaluate the rapports, friendships, and connections I make on a day-to-day basis.  I confess that this struggle is far less conflict-ridden than the previous statement may make it seem; nevertheless, I've seen it as a significant source of growth over the years.  

I realize the above may hold quite little value to those of you who are reading.  However, the mere act of penning my thoughts have provided a cathartic release from the journey we call life.  Though I did not envision myself taking this very path over the last six months, I've learned that the end outcome was quite similar to the initial I had imagined.  That, in and of itself, has provided me a sense of relief over the guilt that I've managed to riddle myself with over this same amount of time.  With this realization, I still intend to make concrete this plan to become more like those whom I admire in life; however, I believe I've stumbled across a very tangible example of the prime, oftentimes underestimated, character trait of life: its lack of predictability.  With the end of the year fast approaching, I fully intend to fulfill the promise I made to myself so many months ago, just in time to embark on the path to this subtle, albeit much desired, transformation, with the resolution season in the new year.

The Pre-Plan

Oftentimes, I’ve come to ponder whether I, myself, am far ahead of my time. I do not make such a declaration to imply that I possess brilliant ideas or thoughts that will revolutionize the world (though, I should add here that I indeed would like to revolutionize the world J). Instead, I say this to possibly qualify the experiences I have had in the recent past.

I’ve found that I embody personality traits that are perhaps far from those that characterize one’s typical concept of a 20-something in today’s society: I prefer to stay at home, rather than explore the seemingly unattractive haunts of debauchery. I prefer to nurture the introvert who I have discovered and learned to accept of late, rather than perpetuate a façade of the opposite. I prefer to identify and appreciate the intricacies of my interests and goals, rather than discount them as lofty or unfeasible. Understandably, I do not mean to imply that those of my age and generation are apt to consider such a point of view about their own, as well as others’, ambitions. I do, however, believe such a train of thought is rampant in our society, transgressing all demographical barriers, which lends to latent individuals who drudge about their monotonous lives, without ever striving for their every dream.

I am again swayed to referencing this procession of behavior and thought patterns that I have deemed a personal journey to self-discovery and appreciation. Unfortunately and perhaps thankfully, I am nowhere near being definitively happy with the person I have become and see myself becoming. That is not to say, of course, that I am unhappy. I have found I have surpassed the border of the former (happy) and the latter (unhappy); indeed, I’ve been teetering for many months, perhaps years, to the right of this invisible boundary, approaching the verge of utter bliss, but admittedly falling quite short. I am convinced that this unfortunate gap will be filled in the (hopefully) near future. In all, I suppose I am declaring that I have finally found peace of mind and self-acceptance in understanding that I must embark on this journey to truly appreciate myself as an individual, in a society and age when, on the whole, many possess dismal levels of self-confidence and appreciation. I’ve decided through experiences that this concept is absolutely vital in approaching life with an open mind and heart and building relationships with care and consideration.

I suppose I should verbalize the fear that I’ve spoken these words previously and perhaps my words do not hold true merit, if I do not develop a “game-plan” of sorts, in order to actually embark on this journey I have defined the purpose of for so seemingly long. I am absolutely of the belief that words cannot hold merit until actions can be used to qualify them. Thus, I have decided to develop this actual process further, to offer myself a concrete plan of action that I can pursue further; and I am now determined to present this timeline in my subsequent postings here. Stay tuned J

The Identity...Crisis?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've had, lately, several thoughts course through the maze in my head. Upon added scrutiny, with a tad bit of introspection on the side, I've determined that I'm currently in the midst of an involved process to understand myself, to essentially clarify my identity at its core.

I entered college some five-odd years ago, a naive and uninformed teenager. In retrospect, I suppose this is a common occurrence amongst those in my then situation, and I do not regret my lack of life experience prior to that point. One often hears others describe college as the "best time of one's life;" I'd beg to differ to a certain extent, but one thing I cannot deny is that the experience has truly shaped me in a profound manner. I deviate from this description of college simply because I've come to believe it's founded on the principles of near-superficiality (at times, not always - I agree) and relationships. Now, please do not confuse my intention in the previous statement - I am not discounting the importance of some degree of superficiality in one's life (I'll readily admit I, myself, have a number of guilty pleasures), nor am I claiming to discredit the significant role that relationships play in our day-to-day affairs. What I am stating, however, is my interpretation of the intent behind this often-uttered cliche. I've found that the so-called "best time of one's life," for me, was not due to the number or quality of the relationships I developed and maintained through my experiences; understand that this does not mean that I de-value these relationships - the contrary is true, I've developed lasting friendships with a number of individuals.

My experiences have dictated a continuous change in the philosophy I utilize in living life. This direct shift has been a relatively moderately-paced process, in that after 5.5 years, I've come many steps closer to understanding and appreciating the, to use an already over-used term, "real me." I am nowhere near having a transparent view into the inter-workings of my mind; however, I can readily recount my likes and dislikes, how I perceive others and how I'd like to be perceived, and the significance of being on this journey, so to speak, at this point in my life. I understand now that there exists not an identity crisis so much as an identification process, the subtle difference being that the latter provides the connotation of an evolution that benefits the individual. I look forward to exploring this primitively-developed idea further in the coming months (perhaps years), and I hope that it urges the emergence of, both internally and externally, a more confident and comfortable person.