The Pre-Plan

Oftentimes, I’ve come to ponder whether I, myself, am far ahead of my time. I do not make such a declaration to imply that I possess brilliant ideas or thoughts that will revolutionize the world (though, I should add here that I indeed would like to revolutionize the world J). Instead, I say this to possibly qualify the experiences I have had in the recent past.

I’ve found that I embody personality traits that are perhaps far from those that characterize one’s typical concept of a 20-something in today’s society: I prefer to stay at home, rather than explore the seemingly unattractive haunts of debauchery. I prefer to nurture the introvert who I have discovered and learned to accept of late, rather than perpetuate a façade of the opposite. I prefer to identify and appreciate the intricacies of my interests and goals, rather than discount them as lofty or unfeasible. Understandably, I do not mean to imply that those of my age and generation are apt to consider such a point of view about their own, as well as others’, ambitions. I do, however, believe such a train of thought is rampant in our society, transgressing all demographical barriers, which lends to latent individuals who drudge about their monotonous lives, without ever striving for their every dream.

I am again swayed to referencing this procession of behavior and thought patterns that I have deemed a personal journey to self-discovery and appreciation. Unfortunately and perhaps thankfully, I am nowhere near being definitively happy with the person I have become and see myself becoming. That is not to say, of course, that I am unhappy. I have found I have surpassed the border of the former (happy) and the latter (unhappy); indeed, I’ve been teetering for many months, perhaps years, to the right of this invisible boundary, approaching the verge of utter bliss, but admittedly falling quite short. I am convinced that this unfortunate gap will be filled in the (hopefully) near future. In all, I suppose I am declaring that I have finally found peace of mind and self-acceptance in understanding that I must embark on this journey to truly appreciate myself as an individual, in a society and age when, on the whole, many possess dismal levels of self-confidence and appreciation. I’ve decided through experiences that this concept is absolutely vital in approaching life with an open mind and heart and building relationships with care and consideration.

I suppose I should verbalize the fear that I’ve spoken these words previously and perhaps my words do not hold true merit, if I do not develop a “game-plan” of sorts, in order to actually embark on this journey I have defined the purpose of for so seemingly long. I am absolutely of the belief that words cannot hold merit until actions can be used to qualify them. Thus, I have decided to develop this actual process further, to offer myself a concrete plan of action that I can pursue further; and I am now determined to present this timeline in my subsequent postings here. Stay tuned J

The Identity...Crisis?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've had, lately, several thoughts course through the maze in my head. Upon added scrutiny, with a tad bit of introspection on the side, I've determined that I'm currently in the midst of an involved process to understand myself, to essentially clarify my identity at its core.

I entered college some five-odd years ago, a naive and uninformed teenager. In retrospect, I suppose this is a common occurrence amongst those in my then situation, and I do not regret my lack of life experience prior to that point. One often hears others describe college as the "best time of one's life;" I'd beg to differ to a certain extent, but one thing I cannot deny is that the experience has truly shaped me in a profound manner. I deviate from this description of college simply because I've come to believe it's founded on the principles of near-superficiality (at times, not always - I agree) and relationships. Now, please do not confuse my intention in the previous statement - I am not discounting the importance of some degree of superficiality in one's life (I'll readily admit I, myself, have a number of guilty pleasures), nor am I claiming to discredit the significant role that relationships play in our day-to-day affairs. What I am stating, however, is my interpretation of the intent behind this often-uttered cliche. I've found that the so-called "best time of one's life," for me, was not due to the number or quality of the relationships I developed and maintained through my experiences; understand that this does not mean that I de-value these relationships - the contrary is true, I've developed lasting friendships with a number of individuals.

My experiences have dictated a continuous change in the philosophy I utilize in living life. This direct shift has been a relatively moderately-paced process, in that after 5.5 years, I've come many steps closer to understanding and appreciating the, to use an already over-used term, "real me." I am nowhere near having a transparent view into the inter-workings of my mind; however, I can readily recount my likes and dislikes, how I perceive others and how I'd like to be perceived, and the significance of being on this journey, so to speak, at this point in my life. I understand now that there exists not an identity crisis so much as an identification process, the subtle difference being that the latter provides the connotation of an evolution that benefits the individual. I look forward to exploring this primitively-developed idea further in the coming months (perhaps years), and I hope that it urges the emergence of, both internally and externally, a more confident and comfortable person.

More to come, as I gather my thoughts, but I've decided to re-embark on the self-discovery/amelioration journey. There are too many things I'd venture to modify in my behaviors, attitudes, and actions - what better way than to create some mode of accountability, however personal it may be.

A reflection

A little less than one week has passed since I've returned from a greatly life-altering experience. I've come close to expressing such a sentiment in the past; however, in reflection, I'm quite positive that my three weeks in India have opened my eyes to many, many things. Not only am I convinced that we are truly, truly blessed individuals on many accounts, but the desire to connect with my heritage, culture, and history has reinvigorated in me the familiar sense of wonder and excitement in broadening my intellectual horizons.

One of the more pleasant aspects of traveling to India is visiting with my extended family members, all of whom I get to see undesirably infrequently. Surprisingly, most of my maternal grandmother's eight siblings live within the city limits of Kolkata. Her youngest sister resides in one of the most culturally, historically, and most importantly, religiously significant part of the city: Kalighat. Here, locals and foreigners alike flock to catch a glimpse of the Goddess Kali and offer donations of fruit, vegetables, sweets, and money in hopes of atoning for their mortal sins.

One evening, my grandmother and I stepped off a bus and walked through the main street which is forcefully dead-ended at the Kalighat police station, through lines and lines of street vendors, selling items ranging from religious pendants, statues of gods and goddesses, fruits, vegetables, snacks, medicines and associated medical supplies, cosmetics, and nightwear. The noisy hubbub of this free-for-all market was no different than that present in perhaps all of Kolkata.

We slipped into a side street, and took an immediate left into a side alley that transported one to a netherworld so quiet, one would hardly remember the frenzy and chaos he/she left behind. After a few zigs and zags, I found myself waiting at a vendor's stall for my grandmother to purchase some paans, a leaf that is usually filled with tobacco-laced materials or candied fruits and fennel seeds and used as a mouth-freshener (though, paan filled with the former becomes an addictive substance, much like cigarettes and snuff). As I glanced to the left, I realized we were in the ruins of an abandoned building. Darkness had fallen in the last hour, and two vendors sat across from each other atop plastic sheets on risen, brick-laden surfaces, discussing their days' sales and current affairs. Looking above them, I noticed a make-shift plastic ceiling, flopping in the barely-there wind, the clear night sky (a welcome treat after its previously cloudy predecessor) staring back at me. Next to me, in the dim light of a candle, my grandmother carried on a brief conversation with the paan seller, subsequently paid him, and we took off.

These moments provided me with a sort of alternate-reality. Being in the United States, one hardly finds sights like those in foreign lands. Public transportation is favored over private vehicles (though the latter have gained quite the following in India, it seems), and coupled with walking on foot, it provided perspectives of the day-to-day lives of the Indian citizens. On one particular day, my aunt and I boarded a bus, with the intention of visiting New Market, one of the oldest market and theater districts in Kolkata. En route, we came upon a moderately-large lake, over which our bus traveled. Standing in between the crowded seats of the bus, I stole a few glances out of the window. Brick and clay huts lined the banks of this body of water. Clothes flapped freely in neat lines outside each one, hoping the prominently present sun left the fibers and threads of each one dry. As we passed over the bridge and continued on our way to a sprawling market, my thoughts drifted to the occupants of those earthy abodes, their clothes drying so they can be worn for another day of hardships and tribulations that these individuals habitually face. Again, as was all too often throughout my trip, I was left with a familiar sense of helplessness, a feeling that I've routinely encountered here even in the States upon seeing a homeless individual.

I find it interesting and amazing that though my previous trip was four short years ago, and there were no remarkable or eventful differences in the two visits, I've come to appreciate the more recent one in various lights. Perhaps it is due to some personal growth in the more recent years, or perhaps I had merely forgotten how I felt after my previous visit. And here, I have found another useful attribute of my writings; along with providing you with mental photography, I hope it also serves as a personal reminder of the significant experience I've had. I suppose the topics I've outlined below can serve as overarching themes of my writings regarding my visit. And though I have not posted any actual pictures or enough words to correspond to my three-week trip, I suspect I will present to you (and myself) bits and pieces of memories, as they appear in my mind, over the course of the next few weeks.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

Judging by the previous posts, it seems I've had nothing of value to say since the end of November. Though somewhat true, I suppose it would have been valuable to note the thoughts and feelings of a university graduate. However, given the grief and pain the entire process of getting a bachelor's degree has cost me, I can easily sum up that the life of a university graduate is fabulous, and the transition to the real world (thus far) has only been rewarding. I've managed to travel through the northeastern United States, bum around at home, and venture out half-way across the globe and return all in one piece, with new-found values, ideals, and thoughts that can only be the results of eye-opening experiences.

As I've been quite the unproductive writer, I am now forced to chronicle my journey to my motherland in a few retrospective posts. I apologize for the length (I hesitate to say whether these can be categorized as short or long musings, as they are not proportional to my time in India) in advance. I hope that the brief descriptions I present will provide you with a tapestry of images, as seen through my eyes, for the past three weeks. This has been an experience that has affected me to the very core and has fueled my desire to appreciate every aspect of my life and existence. I should also lastly note that I will likely add to these thoughts in the subsequent days, as I readjust to the time change, the reappearance of television, and sorting through my thoughts and memories.

In the meantime, I suggest beginning with the post entitled "A traveler's prelude" for a synopsis of my trip.